And above all, process is all that matters.

When I was a student I’m sure I was pretty much a grade topper. I belonged to 5-10% of the best students in my major. But I didn’t work hard. Some of my friends said they hated me everytime a test result came out because I got a good grade even though they thought I didn’t study hard as they did.

I agree. I was a procrastinator at my best. I didn’t do assignments to the very last minute before the deadlines. I didn’t study much. I only did my best on one or two subects that I really liked the most (the only subjects that attracted me were linguistics and the foreign languages), even though I also did it very rarely. Most of the time I just did something that was fun for me like watching movies and dramas, and sometimes reading comic books and novels. My attitude towards learning at that time was very low. But I did good with the grades anyway.

I may say I was a naturally good test doer despite the lack of study efforts and will to learn. So even though I got good grades, I was only stuck there and not went any higher and any better. So my friends who I knew spent the most of their nights studying get score slightly better than me. I said slightly, because it really was. But again, nurture can beat nature. And the universe knows who makes the most efforts.

It was the time when my major gave scholarship to study abroad for summer course. That was in my sophomore year. My professors who only knew about my grades (of course they thought I studied hard because of it) often said since my first year that I would be able to get that scholarship if I kept on doing like this (I mean, like what?). But I was conceited anyway, and thought that she might be right and I felt assured about getting that scholarship.

Beside based on the grades, the scholarship required a certificate of the attendance of a summer course held here in Jakarta, which we could get if we attended at least 90% of all classes. Bad luck then struck me _because that was the way the universe did to warn me to do not take everything for granted, I just realised. I was in my hometown back then because my sister had some kind of a newborn baby ceremony. I missed one class, and I thought that was okay I still had 90%. And in the morning, the next day, on my way to the course place, the traffic was extremely terrible. So I missed that day and lost my 90% attendance which meant I lost the chance to get the certificate which meant the chance to get the scholarship decreased…

I still had expectation though. I thought I would still be saved by my grades. But no, of course. I was placed on number 9 on the list and all 8 students above me got that scholarship. And they were the ones who I knew put so much effort on learning and did their best. One of my friend who got one once said that I was originally on the list, even on ones of the highest candidates. But the profs had to bring me down due to the shortage of the documents required. I was so broken. I was so upset. I have been, and sometimes I am, because that scholarship was one of the reasons why I chose my major. I spent the rest of my school years resenting myself. I blamed the universe for not conspiring to make it happen to me (simply because I wanted to blame on someone but I didn’t want to admit that was all my fault). But, yeah, I’m writing this in order to get rid the burden that sometimes still haunts me, the face of a failure because of the arrogance and indolence I had.

I finally graduated and now I’m working in my campus as a language teacher. I still get a chance to meet my previous professors who still think I’m their one of the best students. Couple of months ago, we sat together in a cafe when one of their friend (another professor from another major) joined us. And my prof said, intruducing me to her: Here, Rury. She’s one of our bests and now we are convincing her to become a junior lecturer in our major.”

Sounds like I should have been proud, shouldn’t I? But I was not. Because deep down I knew that I was not that worth to be proud. That was just all lie about my grade, about my learning. That was nothing so special about me

So there I have been: guilty to myself, angry to myself, anxious about myself. I wanted to move on, to not dwell on the past failures and to make all lies become the truth: that I really am one of my professors’ best students. I wanted to be someone I will always be proud of. I wanted to fix myself.

Results never betray efforts, and above all, process is all that matters.

is my world

A little sweet

A little sour

A little close

Not too far

All I need, all I need is to be free.

 

It’s close enough to touch

But disappears like a mirage

Woven of dreams, warm as sweaters

Beyond the white clouds

Is my world

 

Let me in without a shout

Let me in, I have a doubt

There are more, many more

Many, many, many more like me

 

I’m not alone

Dream walking, wide eyed

Stepping, stumbling

Yet I have no doubt

Just like the setting sun, will rise again

My world, once revealed, will astound everyone.

 

Open eyed, how I run, how I run to the other side

Then I glide like a bird

I just want to be

 

A thousand wings to fly

To explore open skies

So many turns to take

Paths to follow

And discover my world

 

These few days of childhood will never return

So live it up now, my friend

On credit, if you’re broke

Live it up.

To: the world, where every special child lives

 

“Today, let us open the windows of our hearts and peep outside. To see little little raindrops meet the glorious sun, a rainbow forming, sheer joy and great fun” __A poem read by one gifted girl on her school’s art performance.

So I have a couple times visited my sister’s special school. She is one with down syndrome. Seeing her and her school friends always left me full of emotions that I cannot describe well. The feelings about her, about her friends, about my self, about the society, about the world we live in. Seeing them and their innocence, their own ways to see life, their dreams, their hopes, their happiness, their laughter gives me so many hopes about them that I want to tell the world how wonderful they really are. But sometimes mankind are worse than monsters. It’s not about them that I have doubts, but about the world and its society, and even the parents of the kid themselves.

‘How is he going to compete in this world?’

Yes.. there’s a merciless and competitive world out there. And in this crazy world, everybody wants to grow toppers and rankers. Everyone wants a genius for a kid. They want doctors, engineers, MBA. Nothing less is tolerated. Anything less is blasphemy. For god’s sake. Every child has his own capabilities, his own desires, his own dreams.

So why can’t we just stop our our piercing gaze, lower our pointing fingers towards them and open our arms to hug them? They are just the same. Same as me and you. And they just need caring.

Caring. It’s very important. It has power to heal, to make everything better. Like a balm that soothes pain.

So I got a poem for you, society. Originally from a hindi song titled Taree Zamer Par.

 

LIKE STARS ON EARTH

Look at them, like fresh drops of dew.

Nestled in the palms of leaves, gifts of the heavens

Stretching and turning, slipping, sliding

Like delicate pearls, glinting with laughter

Let us not lose these, little stars on earth

Like sunshine on a winter’s day

Bathes the courtyard in gold

They banish darkness from our hearts

And warm us to the core

Let us not lose these, little stars on earth

Like sleep trapped behind eyelids

Where sweet dreams abound

And in the dream an angel rises

Like fountains of colour

Like butterflies upon blossoms

Like love which is selfless

They’re surging waves of hope

They’re the dawn of dreams and eternal joy

Let us not lose these, little stars on earth

On the heavy darkness of night’s bosom

They sit like a flame dispelling gloom

Like an orchard’s fragrance they fill the air

Like a kaleidoscope of myriad hues

Like flowers reaching up to the sun

Like the notes of a flute in the quiet of a grove

They are breaths of fresh air

The rhythm and music of life

Let us not lose these, little stars on earth

Like the pulsing life of the neighbourhood

Like the buds determined to bloom

Like the breeze of the season caught in your palm

They’re the blessings of our elders

Let us not lose these, little stars on earth

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let us just remember, every child is special.

Just.

Bringing good news is imparting hopes to one’s fellow man. (Patti Smith)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is the way to cope with the past failures

And I hope tomorrow my phone ring with another good news

Let’s Get Lost

Let’s get  lost

Let’s get lost in the sea

Let’s feel the sand beneath our feet

Let’s breathe the wind and the breeze

Let’s live wild and free

Let’s see what none hasn’t seen

Let’s go where none knows us

Let’s get lost and see more

Let’s go wandering as a lost child

Let’s let our feet go where they want to go

Whether it be a city or a wild tree

Let’s just get lost